Review: The Impossible History of Grimalky Quickens

How to get ahead in advertising.



Grimalky Quickens, recent graduate and ambitious young pup who wants to do great things, gains employment with the Badgers Group as Official Adjunct to the Assistant Underling in Charge of Administrative and Extraneous Affairs. And so begins his downfall.

Grim takes from the Roman model of divide and conquer -- "all business was at heart a process of plundering, a preying upon the weak, the striking of tenuous bargains with the powerful, only to await patiently the chance to stab them in the back." Each day spent at Badgers HQ is a potential back-stabbing opportunity, and to that end he assembles dossiers on potential rivals, eavesdropping in the toilet cubicles, and, when that fails to yield results, resorts to good old fashioned snooping through drawers and following co-workers home (and to visits to prostitutes).

For all his big ambitions, Grim's day-to-day job consists of organising paper clips by colour, photocopying (and lots of it) in toxic room that has its own live-in dwarf that no-one else in the office seems to know about or care, not to mention Grim's own office which is essentially a broom cupboard with a large plant Grim has himself installed. So much for ambition. Therein lies the humour; the discrepancy between the reality and the fantasy, and Grim's bullish behaviour. Living beyond his means and juggling relationships with three women, our young Grim begins a descent into mild madness ending up thrown into an institution along with others suffering from Ambition Deficiency and Practicality Disorder, and the novel ends on a sour note with Grim accused of raping the boss's daughter.

"A good businessman must be an intimidating businessman, that his mere presence must provoke fear and a certain servility in those around him." But, as Grim's landlord Tiffles says, "these modern times are wretched, they're as cold as steel, as unloving as mud, these great businessmen of the day are nothing more than villains.."

Esser writes frantically, rarely coming-up for air, and the language is sometimes tricky, but despite being one of the strangest books this reviewer has read this year, Alan Esser conveys the history of Grim with verve. A brave satire. The Impossible History of Grimalky Quickens will not appeal to all tastes; its verbal trickery and pretty grim (no pun) plot could turn a lot of people off, which is perhaps why Esser self-published. For all the George Orwell's, GP Taylor's and other well-known self-publishers, many end up forgotten. Let's hope that fate doesn't befall Esser.

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The Impossible History of Grimalky Quickens, Modern Man by Alan Esser
Alan Esser
280 Pages